Social Anxiety or Social Deconditioning? Making Sense of Social Discomfort

Even now—nearly 5 years post-COVID-19 lockdown lifted: clients, coworkers and my own group chats keep circling back to the same few questions:

Why does grabbing a drink with an acquaintance feel like prepping for a performance?

Why do I dread casual catch‑ups with people I genuinely like?

Is this what social anxiety feels like or did the pandemic just hit delete on my ability to “hang out” like I used to?

If you’re nodding along, you’re in good company. After years of distancing, masked grocery runs, and Zoom calls (...so many Zoom calls), many of us now approach in‑person hangouts with a cocktail of craving and dread. Connection is still the goal, it just isn’t as effortless as it once was. And when you layer in a dash of people‑pleasing (“I have to bring the enthusiasm or we won’t have a good time”), the pressure only exacerbates. 

Let’s unpack what may be happening, and if you start recognizing yourself in these words, know you’re not alone and that you can always book a session with a therapist who specializes in techniques that can help.

Is it social anxiety?

Social anxiety isn’t about disliking people, being shy, or leaning introverted. At its core, it’s a persistent fear of being judged, rejected, or humiliated in social settings. That fear can hijack your nervous system, triggering avoidance (ghosting invites, lingering by the snack table so you “look busy”), over‑analysis (replaying every conversation for days), body alarms (racing heart, sweaty palms, queasy stomach), and sometimes, mental “freeze” (blanking on words mid‑sentence).

During lockdown, some of that fear went dormant—there were no parties to skip or office politics to navigate. Other anxieties ramped up as digital life added new awkwardness (anyone else panic‑scroll to the “unmute” button?) And now, as we’ve re-entered the world, those fears resurface in fresh ways.

Or are you just out of practice?

Feeling “socially rusty” is real. Like any skill, conversation muscles atrophy when unused. Here’s a few signs you’re simply rusty, not clinically anxious:

• You want to see friends but it’s the coordinating that feels exhausting.

• Pre‑hang nerves fade as soon as you arrive.

• Small talk feels like learning a forgotten language.

• Crowded restaurants feel louder and brighter than you remember.

If any of these sound familiar, just know that your brain is most likely recalibrating after a once‑in‑a‑century interruption.

How people-pleasing factors in

Now add people‑pleasing to the mix—an internal rulebook that says you must keep everyone comfortable, never inconvenience others, and always project “cool, calm, collected.” When a people‑pleaser goes out after a long hiatus, their brain runs a silent checklist:

“Did I talk enough? Too much? Did I bore them? Should I have laughed harder? Oh no, I forgot to compliment their dog—now they think I’m selfish.”

Sound exhausting? It is. People‑pleasing takes a natural bout of post‑pandemic awkwardness and turns it into a mental triathlon.

Wanting to be liked is normal, but believing your worth depends on it is debilitating. Therapy can help you trade that impossible standard for healthier boundaries. If you’re curious, book a complimentary consultation with Unknotted.

Tools to strengthen your social skills

Start small, stay honest: Swap crowded rooftop parties for a coffee walk, dog park hangout, or 20‑minute FaceTime. Tell trusted friends you’re easing back in; odds are they’ll feel the same and exhale with relief.

Check your why: Canceling because you’re exhausted or need a moment to yourself is self‑care. Canceling because you fear being “awkward” is avoidance that shrinks your comfort zone. Notice the difference and push through the reluctance if you’re able to.

Practice being “good enough” (and liking it): Perfection isn’t the goal; being present is. Let the conversation breathe. Silence isn’t something you need to fix—and sometimes, it’s actually a sign of comfort. Your only job is to show up, not perform. 

Get your body on board: Anxiety isn’t just thoughts; it’s a full‑body event. Try box‑breathing, stretching in the restroom, or splashing cold water on your face to reset your nervous system. 

Set self-imposed boundaries: People with pleasing tendencies may replay every detail post-hangout, seeking proof they didn’t do something/say something “wrong.” Instead, give yourself a time limit: “I can reflect for five minutes, then I’m starting a movie.” Mental over‑processing shrinks when you impose gentle boundaries.

A PSA for leaders and organizations: Cameras off, chat crickets, low‑energy offsites—these aren’t just culture issues; they’re collective nervous systems on low battery. And today, psychological safety at work has never mattered more. Workshops, coaching, and one‑on‑one support to help teams reconnect without burning out. 

What next steps can look like for you Whether you’re tiptoeing back into social life or wrestling with a lifelong worry about what people think, remember: you don’t have to do it alone. Psychotherapy provides a structured space to practice new skills, rewrite people‑pleasing scripts, and soothe the nervous system that’s been on high alert for years.