Why Ghosting Triggers Deep Attachment Wounds

Ever spent three weeks texting someone non-stop, maybe had a couple of magical dates, started planning your summers in Italy together in your head—and then poof—they vanish into the digital ether? No explanation. No goodbye. Just the crushing silence of read receipts and IG stories that prove they're very much alive (just not to you). And somehow, this three-week situationship has you spiraling harder than when your three-year relationship ended?

As someone who's been on both sides of the ghosting equation (guilty as charged)….I understand how these micro relationships can cause macro pain.

Ghosting grief? You’re not being dramatic. 

“I barely knew them, we matched on Hinge, texted for two weeks, had three amazing dates, and then...nothing. They just disappeared. I don’t even know why I care.” 

Sound familiar? I used to beat myself up about that stuff, too. But here's the thing: no matter what anyone tells you, these feelings are completely valid. That crushing sensation in your chest isn't because you're "too sensitive" or "doing dating wrong." It's often because ghosting triggers our deepest attachment wounds in ways that even proper breakups sometimes don't.

Anxious attachment can turn up the pain.

If you’re constantly checking your texts or feel an overwhelming need for reassurance that the other person is still interested, you might be anxiously attached. But it’s not your fault—in our swipe-right culture, anxious attachment exacerbates these feelings by 100%, putting dating on hard mode.

Why do these brief connections hit us so hard? Well, it’s all about the fantasy (AKA rose colored glasses). With limited info about our new person, our brains fill in the blanks with idealized projections. Three weeks gives you just enough time to construct the perfect partner in your head, but not enough time for reality to temper those fantasies. When they’re gone, you're not just losing them—you're losing the dream version of them you created. If idealizing partners has become a pattern for you, it can be helpful to work with a therapist who can keep you grounded and recognize projection in real time. 

Uncertainty doesn’t feel good.
When you tend to feel anxious in relationships, not knowing where you stand can feel overwhelming. In more established relationships, there’s usually a sense of stability—you’ve seen signs that the other person cares. But in something new or undefined, every unanswered text or vague interaction can feel like confirmation of your worst fears: that you’re not enough, that love is always just out of reach.

If you're spiraling, pause. Get outside. Call a friend who reminds you of who you are. Reconnect with the people and routines that make you feel steady and seen. You deserve a connection that brings clarity, not confusion, and someone else's lack of communication doesn’t reflect your worth.

If the person you’re seeing shows up for you—wonderful. But if they don’t, that’s data, too! You are not asking for too much by wanting to feel prioritized. Real love feels safe, even when you're still learning how to feel safe in it.

And if this all feels heavy to untangle on your own, working with a therapist—especially one trained in CBT or interpersonal therapy—can help. You can learn to soothe the part of you that panics when things feel unresolved. You’re not alone in this.

The psychoeducation behind why it hurts so much.

Science time (but I promise to keep it light): When you're in those early, exciting stages of connection, your brain is literally getting high on dopamine. Every text notification gives you a hit. Every date floods your system with oxytocin, the bonding hormone.

When that person suddenly disappears, your brain doesn't just lose those feel-good chemicals—it goes through actual withdrawal. So give yourself some grace, you’re just doing what your brain is telling you to do! 

Go from anxious to secure.
Good news—attachment styles are flexible, and you don’t have to feel stuck feeling this way forever. Check out a few tips you can do on your own (outside the therapy session): 

Name it to tame it: Noticing your anxious patterns is the first step. When you're spiraling, pause and remind yourself that your inner wounds are reacting. There is nothing wrong with you. 

Lean into your support system: Create rituals that ground you—journaling, meaningful friendships, small wins. Over time, these build inner stability that doesn’t rely on someone else’s texts. Therapy can help deepen this work.

Give yourself a reality check: If you're obsessing over someone new, ask: "What do I really know about them? What is real vs. what am I projecting?" Ground yourself in facts, not fantasies. This exercise helps your brain take them off the pedestal. 

Reframe the narrative: Ghosting often reflects someone’s emotional immaturity, not your worth. Louder for the people in the back: If they couldn’t communicate clearly, they may not be ready for the relationship you want anyway. 

If you’re stuck in the cycle of hot-and-cold flings followed by painful goodbyes, you’re not broken—you’re responding to modern dating with very common attachment wounds. With support and self-awareness, you can exit the loop and build secure connections that don’t leave you constantly questioning yourself.

Our compassionate mental health clinicians are here for you when you’re ready. Break free from anxious attachment patterns that aren’t serving you and book a free consultation now.